We've Lost Our Minds

The world is going to the apes...literally. I wish I were joking. I wish this was someone's idea of a sick joke that ends with "...Gotcha!!" but it isn't.

According to an Associated Press story out of Vienna, Austria:

In some ways, Hiasl is like any other Viennese: He indulges a weakness for pastry, likes to paint and enjoys chilling out by watching TV.

But he doesn't care for coffee, and he isn't actually a person — at least not yet.

In a closely watched test case that could set a global legal precedent for granting basic rights to apes, Austrian animal rights advocates are waging an unusual court battle to get the 26-year-old male chimpanzeee legally declared a "person."

Hiasl's supporters argue that he needs that status to become a legal entity who can receive donations and get a guardian to look out for his interests.

"Our main argument is that Hiasl is a person and has basic legal rights," said Eberhart Theuer, a lawyer leading the challenge on behalf of the Association Against Animal Factories, a Vienna animal rights group.

"We mean the right to life, the right to not be tortured, the right to freedom under certain conditions," Theuer said.

Why, you might ask, is a chimp in need of the status of "personhood"? Apparently, Hiasl and Rosi are both chimps who have been living in an animal sanctuary for the last 25 years. However, the sanctuary eventually went bankrupt, and seeing as how the chimps monthly bills can run upwards of $6800 and the life expectancy of a chimp is about 60 years....well, money was a problem. So what's to be done? Well obviously, the chimps deserve to be declared human beings so that they can be given basic human rights....oh and so they (or more accurately, their caretakers) can receive charitable donations, which is currently illegal.

"If we can get Hiasl declared a person, he would have the right to own property. Then, if people wanted to donate something to him, he'd have the right to receive it," said Theuer, who has vowed if necessary to take the case to the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg, France.

Austria isn't the only country where primate rights are being debated. Spain's parliament is considering a bill that would endorse the Great Ape Project, a Seattle-based international initiative to extend "fundamental moral and legal protections" to apes.

If Hiasl gets a guardian, "it will be the first time the species barrier will have been crossed for legal 'personhood,"' said Jan Creamer, chief executive of Animal Defenders International, which is working to end the use of primates in research."

Ahhh...it's all getting clearer now.


"Martin Balluch, a scientist who heads the Association Against Animal Factories, since has asked a federal court for a ruling on the guardianship issue.

"Chimps share 99.4 percent of their DNA with humans," he said. "OK, they're not homo sapiens. But they're obviously also not things — the only other option the law provides."

So, let me get this straight. They're almost humans, they're definitely not "things", so let's just grant them human, personhood status.

But Stibbe [who petitioned to be Hiasl's legal trustee], who brings Hiasl sweets and yogurt and watches him draw, paint and clown around by dressing up in knee-high rubber Wellington boots, insists he deserves more legal rights "than bricks or apples or potatoes."

"He can be very playful but also thoughtful," she said. "Being with him is like playing with someone who can't talk."

A date for the appeal hasn't yet been set, but Hiasl's legal team already has lined up several expert witnesses. Theuer said they include Jane Goodall, the world's foremost observer of chimpanzee behavior, who revolutionized research on primates during the 1960s when she studied them at close range in Tanzania.

"When you see Hiasl, he really comes across as a person," Theuer said.

"He has a real personality. It strikes you immediately: This is an individual. You just have to look him in the eye to see that."

This literally has to be one of the most insane and frightening cases I've seen in a long time. To put it in perspective, Austria, and apparently Spain and Seattle, are seriously debating the merits of giving apes human status and rights, yet a human BABY can legally be aborted because it's only a fetus...a non-human....a thing....a possession....an object to be tossed away without a thought.

I can't even think straight. More on this later...maybe when I cool off.