I feel like a rubber band that's stretched to the limit and is just about to snap. Seriously.
Before I go much further, I'm writing this mainly for myself. I have to get some of this off my chest or I'm literally going to explode and frankly, that just can't happen. Also understand that I will not do anything stupid to hurt myself or anyone else. It's not that kind of "snapping". It's more like I will probably chew off someone's head at the slightest little thing because I cannot take one more thing myself. It will probably happen the next time some stupid thoughtless man or woman slams the door in my face or sits back and watches me struggle to push a stroller through a doorway while enjoying their "me" time. That can't happen, though maybe it should once in a while, and so I write.
I simply don't know how to handle everything. I've got a 2 year old who is very strong willed. She doesn't talk, is resisting everything and everyone, is pushing all the wrong buttons and is with me 24/7. I literally have not spent a 24-hour period away from her since her birth. I have no help, except for my husband, but work keeps him too busy and Emily is too stubborn to let him help. I'm sick in my heart because I love her more than she can ever know, and I ache because I wonder if she sees it because it seems like all I do is tell her no and spank her and take away privileges. I hate that. Being "mean" doesn't come naturally to me. It takes effort and I don't like it.
I also ache because I don't know how much of the frustration we both are feeling is due to her not being able to communicate adequately with us. She may have a real problem and so I struggle with knowing how far to push, how much to discipline and how best to do both. It also makes trying to find anyone, outside of the family, to help because although she uses sign language to communicate, the average person wouldn't have a clue what she was trying to tell them. And we don't live close to any family.
Then there's Andrew's work. It's a good job. It's secure. It pays great. But he's never here and he hates that. I'm really beginning to hate it too. One weeks' worth of vacation a year with 12 hour days isn't enough. How much can a company expect of a person with a family? Apparently more. And I'm not sure that either of us is willing to give more. Or can. Or should. But finding another job isn't as easy as it might be with other careers. Suffice it to say that a pay cut would be inevitable, perhaps 50% or more, and that's tough to swallow too. But we're both quickly reaching that breaking point.
Of course, things were looking up. We were supposed to leave Emily with Grandma next weekend (for the first time ever), go to Indianapolis, watch a Colt's game, just have some down time. We have the hotel reservations, the Colt's tickets, Grandma took time off work...and then Andrew calls to say that his job is sending him to Washington, D.C. next Thursday, getting back Friday night. Yeah, we can still go for the weekend, but now I'll be all alone with Emily for 2 days, I won't have any help, I won't be able to pack until he gets home and we probably will be delayed in leaving, cutting our already too-short time away even shorter. It's not his fault. There's nothing that could be done and he feels terrible too, it's just another thing piled on.
Then there's pressure at church. I won't go into it. Suffice it to say that they want more time too and they aren't being nice about it, which kinda hurts because it's not like we aren't trying to give when we can.
There's more, but it's all little unimportant stuff, that on it's own is nothing notable, but on top of everything, just adds to the feeling of helplessness. I just need a break. We need a break. But there's really no break in sight. I need some help, but I don't know where to turn and I've needed it for a long time, but I don't see it coming. I feel tired. Not sleepy-tired, but weary, worn-down, tired. I don't like how I feel anymore. I don't feel optimistic or happy, just down and overwhelmed and frankly kinda angry sometimes. I feel like I'm seconds away from breaking down in tears all the time, which is not really me. I don't want to feel that way and I don't want that to be the mom and wife that my family sees, but I'm not sure what to do about it. It's not fair to my family, and I don't want to snap with them because it's not their fault. I don't want to snap at all. I don't want to get to that point, but I feel it coming and I know I need a break. Maybe I am depressed. I don't know if this is what it feels like or not. I used to have a Dr. that I think I would have talked to by now about this but she is not longer practicing and I don't even know my new Dr. I just don't know who to talk to and I guess maybe I'm hoping that getting this all down on paper, (or computer) will help get it out of my mind and heart quite to much.
So that's it. That's why I'm not really around much or posting anything new. There's already too much on my plate right now. I know I'll pull through this. Things will get better, but at this particular moment, I just need a break from it all...now.
7 comments:
Christina,
Much, much love to you (which is about all I can do from this far away). I've been there before--several times--but with different details. The last time was a couple years ago, and I quit everything I was doing at my church (Praise Team, Missions Committee, Substitute Adult Sunday School teacher, GriefShare leader) and at the crisis pregnancy center (Sexual Healing Bible Study leader and volunteer counselor). I told everyone I was burned out and couldn't do anything outside of work and home. It helped. I've since added the Missions Committee back to my plate, but that's about it.
A different time, I went to a Christian therapist because I was too overwhelmed to cope. I cried with relief just by being there, because it meant I didn't have to handle things by myself anymore. There was somebody else who I could talk to and who could think of things I could do, at a time when I could barely think much at all--certainly not think clearly.
From what you've said, I recommend you try both (quit everything you're doing at church (and hold your guns when you do), and find a Christian therapist even if it's just to have someone impartial to talk to).
I've been wondering where you've been and figured you must be busy. I wish that was all it was. I ache for you, for what you're going through, and you'll definitely be in my prayers. I wish I could do more.
Christina, my prayers are with you. Like Skye, I've been there as well with different details. Maybe we've all been "there" at one time or another.
Realigning your focus will do a world of good. Stopping outside forces for a while just to get a grip on Christina's needs is a must.
Is there a "play date" center Emily can go to, even for an hour a week just so you can (sit in the parking lot) be alone for that time. Not to take care of chores or blogging. You're quite capable of doing those with a toddler strapped to your hip now. Just to sit and be alone for a minute or two.
All I can give you is this advise and my prayers. Maybe going off on some unsuspecting ignoramus would help you (and them). Try it some time.
Prayers from me also. I agree, we've all been there at one time or another.
I love JT's advice, let someone have it. Blowing off steam will do you good.
Hang in there
Skyepuppy,
Thank you for you kind words. Sometimes it helps just to know that I'm not the only one who's been there and done that, though I wish no one else had to go through it either.
I know I will survive this. I've been through worse, though not much and not the same. It's just hard to keep things in the proper perspective when life is pummeling you in the face.
I know I need to step back and take a break, it's just finding a way to take a break that is hard. I really need some dependable child care, but I'm the kind of person who does not just trust myself or my child with just anyone, so it's tough. I am going to make a concerted effort to try to find some regular childcare though, even if it is only once a week. I just can't be on-call 24/7/365 year in and year out.
As for church, truthfully, that's more of an issue for my husband. I'm not too bad at saying no nd setting some limits. (I learned the hard way, though.) However, church is asking more of Andrew and he is already giving what he can. As it is, it takes him away from Emily and I, some days to the point that Emily does not see him at all and I might get one hour with him a day, maybe. So, while church is not pressuring me personally, it still affects me.
As for the therapist...I've considered tallking to one of the pastors at church, but I don't really feel comfortable with either of them...I don't know why, I just don't. I do have some good friends and great family who I've been able to talk with and it does help. Still, it may come to that.
Anyhow, this is probably way more information that you or anyone else here really cares about, but it helps just to get it all out. I do feel better, and it is in part thanks to your kindness (and prayers). Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
jihadi tracker,
Thank you so much for your kind response. Knowing I'm not alone really does help. You gave some good advice and I will do my best to take it.
I have thought about getting Emily involved in a mother's day out type program or something like that, but I struggle with trusting the care of my only child with what amounts to total strangers. I know I have to eventually get past that, but it's so much harder with Emily's "Mom-only" kind of personality. We need Grandma, that's all I can say. But I will look into it. I need to.
And I may still just give some rude person a piece of my mind (if there's any left!) I've never really done it, and I think that once in nearly 28 years is a reasonable thing. I just have to make sure that my husband isn't around...it would horribly embarass him to have to witness that.
Thanks again for your words and prayers. They mean more than I can say.
Janice,
Thanks for thinking of me. As I said to Skyepuppy and Jihadi tracker, I'm going to try to take their advice and get some help from someone, somewhere, somehow. I just can't do it all anymore. Sometimes admitting it is the hardest part.
It's nice to know that I have friends that care, even from miles away. Thank you for your kindness.
Just know we're all thinking of you. And if you go off on some ignoramus, PLEASE let us know. If possible, try and snap a picture of the victim, it'll be a warning to others who may rudely cross your path.
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