The Right Perspective

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Struggling

I'm sitting here tonight at 12:56 am.  Or I guess I should say I'm sitting here this morning.  I'm waiting for 1:15 to come so that I can take some more medicine that will only marginally take the edge off of the worst of the pain.  I want to go to sleep.  I want to stretch out in my own bed and sleep all night long without waking up.  I don't remember the last time that happened.  Right now, I just want to sleep and forget about everything for a long while because I'm tired of all the pain and even more exhausted from the worry. 

I'm struggling to be patient.  I know...it's only been a few days since surgery and I'd be crazy to think that I'd be bouncing back and feeling great.  I didn't expect that at all.  I expected to have pain and have it for a while...I guess I just hoped that I wouldn't have quite this much or that it would be some different pain than before (as in, no more horrific burning nerve pain in my left foot.)  Except that I still have that same pain, plus weird numbness and swelling and this is despite the surgery and all the meds that I'm maxed out on.  I can't take a higher dose of the nerve medication....and that terrifies me because it isn't working enough.

I'm worried.  I'm trying not to be, but in the middle of the night, when it's just me and HGTV stuck in the living room, awake when I don't want to be again, I can't stop my mind from going there.  To a place where the surgery doesn't work.  Where the bones don't fuse or something goes wrong before they have a chance to, or I accidentally bend or twist and break something or herniate a different disc and have to go through all this again.  Because right now, that all terrifies me and I don't really think anyone else gets it.  There, I said it...I'm scared and I feel really alone.  I'm usually able to be tough and push past this sort of stuff, but in the middle of the night...I'm just scared and alone.  I know God hears my prayers and the thoughts I can't even bear to express.  I know there are people all over who are praying for me and I truly appreciate it in ways I can't express.  But sometimes I just wish I didn't have to be awake or think for a while because I need the break from my own mind. 

I know almost no one reads this anymore, and that's ok....it was never written to be popular, just to be a record for me.  I just need to get this out somewhere because I'm so tired and scared.  But if you (whoever you may be) happen to read this and feel like praying for me...please do.  I could use a little extra strength for a while.  Maybe for a long while.

2 comments:

Bekah said...

I'm reading and hurting for you because you hurt. Continuing to pray. I think your fears are exactly what I would be worried about if I sat where you do, so they seem normal to me. Praying specifically for God to send you an unmistakable sign of hope and for relief from the pain. So wish I could do something tangible to make you feel better!!!

Christina said...

Thanks Bekah. The prayers are so very appreciated. I know all these things are logical and normal, but sometimes the fears take over and it's hard to be logical.

I did sleep much better last night and I think it was due to all the extra prayers. Thanks for hurting with me.