Doing Battle

Where to begin?

How is it possible to love someone with absolutely all your heart and still be so frustrated that you just want to scream? How is it that someone so small and well-cared-for and did I mention loved, turn a normally clam, easy-going person into a crazed, uptight, constantly on edge mom? How can someone so tiny and basically innocent spend every waking (and sleeping) hour with me, almost 365 days a year for the last 3 years (and then some) and yet still need more of me?

How can I give any more when I already feel exhausted and ready to cry far more often than I ever have in the rest of my nearly 29 years combined? How can I possible relax more and ever de-stress when almost every thing I try to do with my child results in a fight, or more aptly put, a battle of wills? I even try to choose my battles wisely, but when so many non-negotiable things are battles, like getting in the carseat, brushing her teeth, combing her hair, putting on clothes, taking a nap and going to sleep are daily huge struggles and have been for 3 years, even a warrior can get worn down. Add to this the beginning of backtalking and hitting, the already present temper tantrums and demands, attempts to potty train, starting our version of pre-school (aka speech therapy in a school setting) and oh yeah....attempting to interpret every single thing she says all day long, and I am mentally, physically and emotionally spent.

I'm sick of fighting a battle of wills. I'm questioning everything about how I have been parenting my child. I feel like a failure as a mom and wife. I don't even know who to turn to for help anymore. I have a good friend from church who understands what I'm going through better than most, because she is dealing with a strong-willed little gal herself, but even she does not appear to be as stubborn as Emily. She also doesn't have the speech/sleeping/sensitivity issues. So while she is an encouragement, there are still things I know she doesn't "get". I don't care for our current pediatrician. She seems competent, but again, I just don't feel like we click. I don't care for my current doctor either, so again, I'm left with no one to turn to.

I'm beginning to wonder if there is more here than meets the eye. Is my daughter just extremely strong-willed, or are her speech issues only the tip of the iceberg? We know she's very intelligent, but does she have something along the autism spectrum that is causing some problems we are not yet aware of? I ask because I know there is the possibility...the developmental pediatrician mentioned it. I could always go back and talk with her, but there's at least a 6 month wait list...again. And do I really want her diagnosed with something, especially if there is any doubt? What will it mean for the future? Will school be yet another source of fighting and struggles? Frankly, I'm not sure I can take even one more battle.

I'm tired.

I don't really expect anyone to plow through this lengthy, frustrated rambling post, but sometimes it just helps to get it out. Sometimes...