What I've Learned

There's so much more to parenting than I ever knew.

That statement could stand alone and sum up the rest of this post, but of course, I'll continue on.
After all, I'm not known for being brief in my writing. Why start now?

I was 25 years old when I officially became a parent. I certainly didn't rush right into parenthood. Instead, I finished college and was married for a full five years before having Emily. I always believed that a couple needed some time to be just a couple before adding children into the mix. I'm forever thankful for the time that Andrew and I had to just be us, before we became "Mom and Dad". Since getting pregnant was a challenge, I had a year and a half to read and research and learn and prepare myself to be a mom. That certainly seemed like plenty of time to prepare...until I met Emily.

When the nurse put Emily into my arms for the very first time, I instantly and completely fell head over heels in love. My life was and is forever changed. All the fears about whether I would feel like a mom or love my baby were instantly gone. She was perfect and I loved her more than I could express. I knew then and there that I would do anything for her. However, from the very first night I spent with Emily, it was immediately apparent that no amount of research and reading could have truly prepared me for being a parent. It's not something for which I could train. It's just not that simple.

Being a parent wasn't like any other kind of learning I'd ever done. I was a music education major in college. If I practiced long enough; if I studied hard enough and read enough books, I could eventually master whatever I wanted to. Parenting Emily was completely and utterly different.

I'm a reader and researcher. Whenever I don't have an answer for something, I'll read and research until I figure it out. Unfortunately, I learned very early on that no one ever wrote a book about Emily. In fact, it seemed that she defied anything I'd read about babies. She didn't sleep well or very much. Everyone I talked to and every book I read said that babies slept 16-18 hours a day as newborns. Not Emily. I actually added all her sleep up and she only slept 10 hours a day most days. Every book said that babies shouldn't be awake for more than 2-3 hours at a time or they will get over-tired and have a harder time sleeping, but none of the books could make my over-tired, extremely colicky baby sleep. Even if I knew what the problem was (like when she was over-tired), none of the suggestions from the "sleep gurus" ever worked. She simply was going to do it her own way...even if it made her (and me) miserable.

And that has been a theme for Miss Em from day one. She will do it her own way. She tended to be slow to hit major milestones, but once she did, it was mastered very quickly. She was VERY slow to talk, and still struggles with speech, but now she won't be quiet even when we beg. She still doesn't sleep well and fights us tooth and nail about bed time many, many nights. She's stubborn and strong-willed and determined to blaze her own path. She's fascinating and frightening all at the same time.

I could not imagine the love I would have for this child, nor the hopes and fears and worries. Another parent recently summed up how I feel so well. She said that her strong-willed child made her laugh as much as he made her cry. That's Emily to a "T". She amazes me, both at her loving, thoughtful ways and her extraordinary determination to fight me on EVERYTHING. She has recently made me laugh and cry and call my own mother and apologize for my childhood and thank her for putting up with me. She is an absolutely beautiful and unique child and I wouldn't change her for the world (most days!). She is teaching me what no amount of book knowledge could...that parenting is the most difficult and rewarding job there is and that in the end, if I am able to teach her half as much as she is teaching me, I will have done my job well.

Oh, and if we both survive her teenage years, it will be a miracle!